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I am drawn toward broken things.

I love the process of restoration and change and transformation.

It’s why I love scavenging for furniture and decor pieces that just need a little TLC and time spent bringing out their true beauty.

It’s why I love finding things on the side of the road, all dirty and abandoned, and rescuing them.

It’s why I love to trim back a dying plant and then watch it flourish with new life.

It’s undoubtedly why I still dream of being a nurse in a hospital setting.

It’s also why I love to listen to people who are hurting and in need of a Savior and sharing Hope with them.

I’m thinking all of that should be a good thing.

But, as with anything else in this world, when a good thing becomes obsessive in nature it can become harmful.

in my case, i have become my own worst enemy.  Trapped in my own obsession to make everything “right” and healthy and good.  To fix everything I see and touch.

Because, truth be told,  I can’t always do it.

Sometimes my restoration projects just flop.

Sometimes my dead plants don’t come back.

And sometimes I can’t fix the hurting people around me.

If i could explain what happens inside my heart when my intervention isn’t enough, I would.

But there are no real words for the internal angst that occurs in my soul.


It never occurred to me that my zeal for wanting to right the wrongs and heal the hurting and fix the broken was taking something into my own hands that are best left in the hands of the Expert.

This is another painful, but much needed, lesson I am learning in this 90 day process of healing.

It ain’t pretty.

And it’s definitely not pleasant.

But it feels a little brave.

i am learning what it feels like to loosen my grip a little.   The beginning of letting go of things I can’t fix.  Releasing the false sense of responsibility that I’ve carried for anything my eyes and ears take in.

Ironically, as I recognize my inability to heal others, I begin to heal inside myself.

My hands and heart still available to join Jesus in the process of restoration and ministry, but my mind aware that only He can do what all my good intentions will never be able to accomplish.

And suddenly, I can breathe….


One thought on “I AM NOT GOD

  1. This is very good, Jana. I am reminded that even Jesus walked by many, choosing not to heal them. Hard to sit with, when He could do it so easily, but yet He subjected Himself to the Father’s will. Still hard to sit with – – -why didn’t the Father have Him heal everyone He saw who needed it?
    Big hugs. Stay in the process. You are valuable to Him and to us!

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